Openness Invites Everything -- Good and Bad

I'm currently learning how to open my heart to other people. It's a beautiful experience, enriching my days with love and an openness to exploring new possibilities. It has given me an opportunity to envelope myself in joy, awe, and goodness as I invest time in satiating my curiosities. It has also opened me up to the negativity many people exude on a very consistent basis. I don't know if they are aware of all the negativity they radiate and all the needless stress they build in themselves and in others around them. It's like they have made negativity such a habit, they don't even realize that they are directly contributing to their own misery and to the unfortunate things that they think is happening to them instead of being an active participant in these unwanted circumstances or situations. Based on my history of doing the same thing, they probably don't realize it.

I'm glad that I am more conscious of the good and of the negativity in others. I feel like I may be more susceptible to the influence of the negativity now that I'm more aware of it, but this is not true. Just because I'm more aware of it, this doesn't mean that I am more prone to its influence on my own positivity levels and on my perspective. I was just as prone to it before. Perhaps more so, since I was unable to recognize it and work to eliminate it from my life. I allowed it to wrap my mood up in its spiny clutches and infect my perception of life. Now that I can see it, I am more capable of halting it and avoiding it.

What is quite difficult to manage is working at a news station. For eight hours a day, five days a week, I am surrounded by negativity -- the type that is impossible to escape. Every day has a story about people dying or being maimed -- fiery car wrecks, being shot, stabbed, beaten, tortured, suicide, double murders, triple murders, murder sprees, little girls stabbing other little girls to death because they "wanted to know what it felt like." Everywhere are stories of animal abuse, child abuse, rape, child molestation, theft, burglary, fires, arson, political scandals, government failures, corporate bailouts, weather woes, national disasters, suicide bombings, floods, drug busts... I used to deal with this stress by numbing myself, focusing on the task at hand (making or playing computer graphics), talking to my coworkers about something else if we can multitask, trying to find something humorous about the story, or trying to find a way to justify the pain someone else must be experiencing. None of it worked and some of it was even damaging to my character. I would numb up at the sight of pain and make fun of it. My coping mechanisms could not deter the negativity and stress from affecting me in very resounding ways. I frequently lashed out at people for minor mistakes, always carrying with me a weighty load of anger, resentment and negativity. It's exhausting hauling all that around and then trying to find a way to be happy when I was around other people that I care about.

Now that I am more open, I feel the negativity hit that much harder. I have so much love and compassion for all these people and animals who suffer, and I must witness their suffering several times a day, sometimes several times a week, that I feel that much more exhausted following a work day.

I want nothing more than to flee. However, I have important payments to keep making. Should I just stick it out until my debts are settled and see this as a challenge to be able to face negativity with more resolve?

I hope I can.