Atheists are Vampires (don't ya know?)

            Atheists are vampires. Revealing this truth puts me in grave danger, so why would I lie about such a thing? I have infiltrated the atheist hordes in my local community for a couple of years now, and I have been diligently taking notes along the way. Sure, there may have been moments where I may seem like I’m having a blast, agreeing with their views and drinking myself into oblivion, but this is the front that I must display if I want to get anywhere in my observations of these creatures of darkness. With this knowledge, I hope that you, dear reader, will be capable of destroying, once and for all, the devilish bloodsucking fiends posing as mere atheists.

No, I said atheists, not douchebags

            The following are signs that have led me to this terrifying conclusion:

-         Their natural aversion to crosses and other things Christian-affiliated: I think this one is pretty obvious. Declaring that you don’t believe in a God is an excellent diversion to this glaringly obvious sign of vampirism, but it just doesn’t cut it. Why else would they be so hostile towards the notion of prayer and crosses in public places? I’ll tell you why: because they frequent these public areas and they don’t want to be drawn away from the crowds (where all of the delicious God-fearing folk frequent). If crosses and prayer are in their vicinity, they are incapable of penetrating the flesh of the masses. These Godly symbols hurt them and weaken their powers. Protect your family and friends from vampires and lobby for more crosses, prayers and exorcisms in public areas and facilities more often! We have to cover every square inch of land with reminders of our faith, or all will be lost to these carnivorous creatures.

-         No reflections: Despite the fact that atheists espouse certain qualities of humility by pretending not to be so self-involved with their physical appearances, this is simply an excuse to shy away from mirrors in public. They will lie to you to ensure that you don’t notice that they bear no reflection in mirrors. In reality, they are quite narcissistic by nature, but to hide the reflectionless truth, they will declare themselves as humble folk. Some others may take a slightly different approach and openly declare their narcissistic tendencies, stating that they know that they are good looking, so they need not gaze upon themselves in a mirror. Do not be deceived by either tactic, my Christ-loving friends, for they will do anything to deceive thee.

-         Most active during the night: How often do you see an atheist in the light of day? Have you ever seen them out in the park with their families? How about at the Olive Garden on a Sunday afternoon? Exactly. They hide in the cover of nightfall. During the day, they sleep in their lairs with the windows blocked with tarp. The pubs that they hide in just prior to dusk are good covers for their fiendish activities.

-         They consume copious amounts of blood: Like all vampires, they feast upon the blood of the innocent, the nectar of mankind that gives life to the wicked. The fact that much of this blood consumed originates from bottles that look much like liquor and beer bottles, and sometimes wine, is a clever disguise of the atheist/vampire’s part. No, my dear God-fearing brothers and sisters, that is not the wholesome brew, Bud Light, that you and I are familiar with (in a totally moderate sort of way, mind you). Look closely, past the very similar bottle design, and you will notice that it is indeed labeled “Blood Light,” a drink of choice for those Godless heathen blood-suckers. Others include Blood Moon, Gorona, Killer High Life, Samuel Adams Succubus, and Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade (I actually am still unsure about the last one, but am convinced that it cannot possibly be the type of booze that normal humans would consume).

-         Another method of sucking the blood of their victims while maintaining the appearance of humanhood is when they act as though they are complete sluts. They hug and kiss so many people in a seemingly loving manner, often doing so with giant smiles plastered on their immortal faces (the sick bastards). What looks like ravenous, insatiable hunger for the flesh of others in the manner of romantic love or sexuality is actually in the manner of their violent urge to maim their victims and steal from them their life force. This so-called sexual deviancy is their mask and a ticket into the lives of those naïve innocents, drawn in by the sinful carnal pleasures of the flesh.

-         Their seeming infinite amount of knowledge: They prefer to portray themselves as nerds or dorks in order to hide the true origin of their plentiful amounts of knowledge. They act like really smart people, but my theory is that they are really of average intelligence. They just have been able to accumulate a vast quantity of information throughout the centuries of their existence. They once had to completely disguise their wit and knowledge for fear of being ostracized for their nerdiness, which made wooing their victims a little more difficult. However, now that nerds are the “in” thing, they have been freer about disclosing their views and all of the information gathered over the years.

-         If you stab them in the heart with a wooden stake, decapitate their head, or burn them alive, they die: Sure, they probably react to these methods of termination pretty similarly to the way normal humans would. However, why would you want to take the chance of not doing so and risk keeping alive forever a nerdy know-it-all with a penchant for gore (they say it’s just that they enjoy the Left for Dead video games, but can we be 100% certain they aren’t practicing and preparing for their upcoming blood bath?). The longer they survive among us good, God-fearing people, the greater the chances that more of us will become their next victims to their unexhausted willingness to convert Christians into vampires using Satanic techniques like “facts” and “science” and sucking on the blood of the living.